Monday, May 16, 2011

A List For Your Thursday. Except It Is Now Monday.

Hi blog-friends….we had a rough week last week! My little presh has been sick, so I’m hoping you’ll cut me some slack, since blogging with a sick baby= so. not. happening.

(Or, maybe just because you know how things work around here.)

(Which makes me love you even more than I already do.)

In light of last week’s experiences, I’ve come up with a highly educational and informative list for you. Please feel free to thank me later. (Or now. Whichever you prefer.)


1. She will magically decide to take a nap. Last Tuesday, AG’s teachers at school were all, “We think something’s wrong with her.” And I was like, “Why? What did she do?! DID SHE BITE SOMEONE?” And then they were all, “Um, no, but she actually took a nap today.”

(Apparently she believes that naptime rules don’t apply to her.)

(I have no idea where she gets such a blatant disregard for the rules.)

2. She will constantly cling to you in a death grip, koala-bear style. Which makes it kinda difficult to open a medicine bottle. Or go to the doctor’s office. Or go to the bathroom.  Ahem.

3. She will literally refuse to play with anything. Even your iPhone. Even when you place it enticingly just out of reach, as a super scientific test to see if you can get her to move.

I almost took her to the ER right then and there, except I was afraid of a scenario like this:

Nurse: Tell me what’s wrong with your baby.

Me: Um, well, she didn’t want to play with my iPhone….

Nurse: Get out.

4. She will sit perfectly still, for THREE SOLID HOURS, while you watch Hellcats, Pregnant in Heels, and Bethenny Ever After. And when you get worried, and hypothetically try to tempt her with some brownies, she will not budge.

I almost took her to the ER right then and there, except I was afraid of a scenario like this:

Nurse: You again? What now?

Me: Um , well, she didn’t want to eat brownies with me while we were watching tv….

Nurse: I’m calling security.

5. Conveniently, your husband will be out of town. Upon his return, your child will magically begin running around like an adorable tornado of energy, with that awful popping toy that makes your ears bleed.

(Btw, he will not believe you when you tell him how hard it was, how stressed out you were, and how you clearly deserve a spa day for Mother’s day.)

(And he may or may not seem to find pleasure in repeatedly saying obnoxious things like, “oh, she just needed her daddy!”)


How pitiful is this face?

Also, is it wrong that I took pictures?

Also, don’t answer that.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Problem Hair

I have what's called "problem" hair.  Some of you may know what I'm talking that can't decide if it wants to be straight or curly, so it ends up being frizzy/wavy as a result? 

Good times.

Recently though, I tried my first Keratin Express straightening treatment.  And it was glorious.  (Well, you know, as glorious as hair can be.)

Let me list the ways....

1.  It was cheap (Yes.  Really.  Less than what I spend in a trip to Target.  Which actually might not be saying much, now that I think about it.)
2.  I could wash my hair after 24 hours (apparently, the non-express version of the treatment calls for 72 hours of unwashed, hanging in your face, kind of hair.  Um. no.)
3.  It made me pretty much love my hair for 6 weeks. 
And then it wore out.  And then I was sad.  And THEN I called the salon to schedule another treatment. 

(Because those of y'all in the South know that we're entering the "HOLY HECK, IT'S ABOUT A THOUSAND DEGREES AND 100% HUMIDITY OUT HERE" season.  Which the rest of y'all call "summer."  Which does bad, bad things to frizzy hair.)


Receptionist: (Perkily) Hello, this is ______ Salon!

Me:  Hi, I"m calling to schedule another keratin express treatment.

Receptionist:  Oh, we don't do those anymore.


Receptionist:  Oh, um, just because of the formaldehyde.  And, you know, the whole "causing cancer" thing. 

Right.  Just that small thing. 


Monday, May 2, 2011


So, I'm taking a brief departure from all things sarcastic and non-serious today.

(I know.  It's weird for me too.)

But I just want to say how proud I am to be an American, and how incredibly thankful I am for all of the men & women of the military, who risk their lives to protect and defend our country. 

You are awesome, and we are hugely in your debt.  THANK YOU.

And in case you're wondering, I was already asleep last night when President Obama addressed the nation. (Apparently, I am old.)  But don't think John didn't come in and wake me up to tell me all about it.  And don't think I wasn't so keyed up that I couldn't go back to sleep for THREE HOURS after that.

Good times.  (And, HELLO, sarcasm...we're back!)