Cakes and Pies. Among Other Things.

This morning, I stepped on the scale and saw that I had been given a late Christmas present.
In the form of 5 extra pounds gained over the holidays.

Not exactly the boots that I asked for, now was it, Santa?

I felt a little baffled, and started thinking of possible reasons for this weight gain.  Was I working out less? Hmmm, no.  I'm pretty consistent with my workouts.

I mean, "the crazy" has to find a way out, somehow, right?

Right.

Then, I thought, "maybe it's from all the cakes and pies I ate between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

("Cakes and pies, Cakes and pies!")

(I will love you so much if you can name that movie.)

Definitely possible.  But I still wasn't totally convinced.

So I decided to consult John.  Because what guy wouldn't answer honestly when asked by his wife if she had gained weight?

Exactly.

Me:  Hey babe, can I ask you a question?


John:  (with slight trepidation) Um, sure.  What is it?


Me:  I promise this isn't a trick, and I want your honest answer, okay?


John:  (Clearly nervous at this point) Um, o-kay.


Me:  Have I gained weight?


John:  (Voice rising a couple notches) What?! No!  That's crazy talk!


(Just like I trained him, ladies. Kidding.)


Me:  No, it's okay, I know I have.  

John:  I thought this wasn't a trick.  


Me:  It's NOT.  I just don't understand why.  I mean, have I been eating more often?


John:  Are we still in the trust tree?  Because, I may have possibly noticed that you've taken to eating cookies.  In bed.  Right before you go to sleep.  


That could have just a tiny bit to do with it.  


Me:  But in college, I used to guzzle non-diet Mountain Dews.  Three times a day.  While eating a sausage biscuit. And downing a full sleeve of cookie dough. And I never gained an ounce! 


(Yes, I hate college Sherri a little right now too.)

John:  Well, welcome to your 30's, babe.  


Me:  At least you beat me there.

Dear 30's,

I hate this slowing metabolism business.  Clearly, any weight gained from here forward is all your fault, because in no way does this have anything to do with my lack of restraint around sweets.  Obviously.

P.S. I think wrinkles AND a slowing metabolism is pushing it.  Let's just pick one, okay?