Weekend Lessons

A Few Lessons I Learned This Weekend.  The Hard Way.

1.  Never,  and I repeat, NEVER, take your toddler mattress shopping. Do I need to say it again?  No?  Okay, good.  I'm embarrassed to call this a "lesson," because, really?  I should have known better. Our visit to the Mattress Firm resulted in 2 very stressed out parents, a hugely hassled sales clerk, a super-hyper toddler, who may or may not have wanted to jump on all the beds, and incessant balloon kicking (by her, not us.  Okay, maybe by John too).

Dear Mattress Firm,

Bless your hearts for putting up with us this weekend.  Also, bless your hearts for having a Lego table in the middle of the store for the little ones.  I do believe it's the only thing that stood between us and an unfortunate toddler meltdown.  

Those balloons that you have strewn all over the floor promoting your mattress sale?  Those are a different story.

Sincerely,

The mom who was dumb naive enough to take her girl into a room of what clearly appears to be trampolines and kickballs to a 2-year old.

2.  The Dora the Explorer guitar is moderately to completely annoying after prolonged exposure.  And by prolonged, I mean more than about 2 minutes. You may or may not find yourself shouting "fantastica!" for absolutely no reason at all.

3. You know how sometimes, you want to do a date that's more active?  Less "sitting around watching a movie," and more "kind of a workout." You might decide that something like indoor rock-climbing would be fun.   (Forgetting that those harnesses tend to give you a permanent wedgie.)  

Just so you know, it might be a good idea to call first, so you can learn that most climbing gyms require reservations for skill testing.  You know, instead of letting you , say, accidentally drop your partner 30 feet to the floor, or something like that.  

I know you're certain that they'll immediately recognize your ability to tie a sweet figure 8 knot, but guess what?

They won't. 

So let me tell you what will end up happening instead:

You'll agree to go play racquetball with your husband, who can hit the ball at about 95 mph.  Interestingly, the racquetball courts will be front and center at your gym, and in full view of all the people who want to entertain themselves by watching you wildly swing at (and miss) the ball.  

Or maybe they just want to see you hit yourself with the ball 6 different times.

You will definitely laugh a lot, which makes it all worth it when your right arm doesn't work for 4 days straight, and you have to start picking up your drink with both hands to avoid dropping your glass on the floor.  

Dear everyone,

Racquetball is one of those sports that will almost always result in you looking like a doofus at least once, if not the whole time you're playing.  John's actually good at this sport, and he even had a few party-fouls on the court.  Just take it from me....if you want to look cool (especially on a date), go do something else.  

You know, like sitting around watching a movie.

Love,

Your friend Sherri, who's typing this with her left-hand, because her right one still doesn't work.